By: George Penquig
Hello and welcome. I am George Penquig, world-renowned soccer star and NIKE stockholder.
I was asked by Harrison and the staff of Blue Hardest Wheat to talk to the American public about the games. World Cup time is important because it comes so sweetly and goes so fast you’d think the games were in high school.
Being a Penquig, a family notorious for our soccer skills, sport technique, and chicken wing recipe, this World Cup is going to be quite easy to predict. I already know everything. Seriously. I know who will score when, how, why, what, and where. I know who’ll be in goal and on parole. I know each player better than I know my ex-wife (we divorced because of mysterious causes).
So, let’s tip the police, and GET ON WITH OUR WINNERS!
- Colombia vs. Greece – these two teams come from the same place, but do they really even know enough geography to make it past the first tournament? Greece, known for hot dogs, sushi, and tax returns are in fine form. Their d-fence is painted just the way Donald Sterling would like it… but my money is on Africa’s Colombia team. They step it up every year and have yet to miss a slam dunk in the final four.
- England vs. Italy – These two are just plain nasty rivals, almost like your Red Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays (only if you want to talk “Football,” American twat). England is thirty for some Gatorade endorsement, but they have been backed by Coca-Cola enough times to make even the fullest of fat kids salivate. Italy is tan this year, possibly tanner than they have even been. Star forward, Antonio Banderas, says that he is “ready and willing” for another Shrek sequel. If the game tomorrow is anything like Shrek 2, I’d say to bank on England. I went there once, nice place.
- Uruguay vs. Costa Rica – Uruguay.
- Cote D’ivoire vs. Japan – hailing from the magical land of The Shire, the Tolkienians are looking just as good as they ever have. They’ve added nine new players to there roster – Frodo, Bo Jackson, and Peter O’Toole’s body are sure bets for defense. Japan has never even played soccer ever so, like, I bet they won’t even do all that well.
That’s all for now. See you after you pick up your money!