CGI-Explosive Pizza – My thoughts on TMNT

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By: Harrison Giza

I loved lots of weird stuff when I was younger. I had Pokemon cards, AC/DC albums, and a prized collection of McDonald’s VHS adventures. I absorbed. I encapsulated myself in culture like a needle-twinged heroin addict. From my findings, I found that I held three things closest to my heart – Movies, Comic Books, and a great slice of pizza.

Seeing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was like stumbling into Walter White’s blue baby meth. I was hooked, enthralled, and gained an appreciation for originality. Turtles with weapons? AND MY PARENTS ALLOW THIS?

I then read the comics and watched the cartoons whenever I was over my friend Zach’s house. TMNT holds a secure sainthood in my heart. It opened me up to skewed-quirk — a feature that popular media rarely delivers — and changed me with it’s dynamite-bright characters. Oh, not to mention all the things they said would infest my brain, causing me to become obsessed with the word “damn” by age seven.

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So, how am I supposed to feel right now?

Megan Fox with a camera phone? Well, ok.

Super-sized turtles? Uh… that’s fine.

Terrorist-brand Foot clan? Not even surprised.

You see, Michael Bay — the guy who gave us gems like Bad Boys II and a Transformers sequel with racist-robot stereotypes– has his finger on the producer slot. The next Turtle movie will be like Man of Steel – huglye influenced in similar Nolan-esque strongholds. The trailer had machine gun fire within the first seconds. Everything looks bleek and wiped of charismatic teen goofing. I mean, even the Turtles look despondent in their steroid shells! How are they supposed to be NINJAS if they can’t SNEAK AROUND and have youthful fun? All strength and no stealth makes Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello and Leonardo dull boys.

I’m fine with the William Fichtner choice because he looks like a rat (I honestly mean that in a good way) but I can’t shake the feeling that there could have been better casting choices. Megan Fox proves this feeling. It’s not that she is unlike her character, which she is, or that she was brought in just for her looks, which she was. There are thousands of better actresses than her. Throw a rock, you’ll find one.

I won’t complain about the gang’s faces because an opinion on CGI effects is invalid when it comes to discussing an actor’s portrayal of an actual character. Sure Mikey looked a little fat, but he was smiling like a fat kid. I’ve always found fat kids funny. Leo looked cool, Raph grunted something … so far so good.

The internet has already started ripping this film to shreds, but DAMN. Is that really necessary? We saw a first trailer; a generic, filtered, and completely accessible preview for kids raised on computer-assembled Transformers.

What’d you expect? Jim Henson or something?

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